Is Kindness Weak?
By,
Jennifer E. Miller
Do others see our individual weaknesses the same way as we view ourselves? This question arose at a work training exercise where participants were asked what they considered their weaknesses. Out of eight employees, four said kindness. Before we moved on with the exercise, I inquired why they felt this way. The general consensus was when they are kind, it allows others to take advantage of them.
One person gave an example that they have a hard time saying no their friends when they asked to borrow money, even knowing they probably won't see the money returned. Another person said that friends and family know to ask favors of her because she will always say yes.
"Oh, okay. I see now," I said, and left it at that.
But this whole "kindness is a weakness" mindset bothered me. I mulled over it most of the week. Showing kindness isn't weak; compassion is something we should all practice more of anyway. What finally clicked was that kindness was not their weakness, but rather is was the lack of setting proper boundaries. Instead of loaning what someone needs, only loan someone what you can afford and/or are willing to give them. If the money isn't returned, there's no hard feelings. The same concept can be applied to personal favors. Say someone needs a ride twenty miles away because their car broke down. Offer to drive them, but with the condition to reimburse for gasoline cost.
I know what you are thinking: How are these examples of kindness if you are expecting something in return?
Receiving something in return isn't, nor shouldn't be, a requirement for kindness. The purpose gets lost this way. However, setting boundaries is necessary in order to not feel repeatedly taken advantage of. Unfortunately, some people will certainly take advantage of others' generosity if they can.
However, I think there is a big difference when someone asks for help versus taking advantage of another person. The intent of seeking assistance should be because one is unable to do it, versus not wanting to do it. I battle this with my kid every so often when she asks for "help" cleaning her room. She is perfectly capable of doing it herself, but each time she complains of too many things to put away. I guide her through it by suggesting she start with certain tasks: stuffed animals first or organize the book case. I insist she does the work because I know if she is capable of making the mess she is capable of cleaning it up. I set boundaries, otherwise if I "help" in order to finish the task faster, I'm not being kind, I'm allowing myself to be taken advantage of.
When I had surgeries I needed someone else to drive me to appointments or extracurricular activities because I physically couldn't do it myself. I asked for help because I needed it. I offered to reimburse my drivers for gas and their time. (Some accepted, some didn't.) Either way, they showed kindness simply by making time for me.
Kindness isn't a weak characteristic flaw unless it's allow it to be taken advantage of. Compassion is a valuable skill; it shows you care about others. I don't think any of the earlier mentioned participants are weak. They can be role models in a too toughened up world.
