Friday, August 12, 2016

Flash Fiction Friday: Toots and Farts

Toots and Farts

Jennifer E. Miller

      Kids have the most ridiculously uncensored minds. I was getting Gia (seven years old) ready for bed. She finished her shower and I was helping her brush her teeth, when she let a loud one rip.
I said, “You tooted! Excuse you!” In a few seconds, the aftermath presented itself. “Whew! And it’s stinky!” I pinched my nose and flipped on the fan. It spun to life as is desperately worked to expel the lingering flatulence.
She giggled with a silly guilty grin across her face. We finished brushing her teeth and she paused thoughtfully as we transitioned to flossing. She took this moment to tell me with wide mischievous eyes, “Mom, guess what? Sometimes when I’m taking a bath, I fart in the water!” Her hands flew over her mouth but more giggles escaped.
I gasped. “What?! Ladies don’t do that!”
She released her hand and said, “Yah. And when I do it, it makes bubbles! I can make a bubble bath with my farts. Isn’t that cool?” She threw her hand over her mouth again and resumed giggling.
I bellowed with laughter. How can a discussion about a fart-induced bubble bath not bring gargantuan belly spasms?
She continued, “I only do it when Daddy gives me a bath. He says he knows all about it.”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, but I told him, ‘I bet when you do it, it makes the water all stinky.’”
I can’t believe our conversation has developed into this. By now my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
“I’m telling you about it, cause I know you know nothing about this subject.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.” She switched to a slightly more serious tone. “Because ladies don’t do that sort of thing; you just said so.” She put her hand to her chest, held her nose slightly upwards, and closed her eyes as she spoke. I think she was trying to sound refined, but it was only getting my giggles going again. Luckily, I stifled them.
“You know, you are a lady, and you just admitted to tooting.”
Her hands quickly molded into fists and moved to her hips as she furrowed her brow slightly.
“No, I’m a kid. I won’t qualify as a lady for a few more years. By the way, tomorrow, instead of a shower, I’d like a bath please.”

Copyrighted 2016 by Jennifer E. Miller

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